Pretending
by evilgoddess62
Summary: You know that you have to face cold hard reality now, and that you can't afford to lose yourself in long ago childhood dreams. But sometimes, it's nice to pretend. rambling fic from Harry's point of view


(A/N: I really should be doing my homework now...but this idea just snuck up on me and I have to write it down before it gets away! I'll do my homework...eventually...)

Pretending

You know you can't escape it.

It's your fate, your destiny, your path that was set in stone by the words of a single woman, spoken before you were born. It is the prophecy you can't escape, the future you've been walking towards all your life, though you once thought that it was much more innocent, long ago.

And now your parents are dead, and your godfather is dead, and one of the greatest wizards of all time is dead, and you try to keep fighting because you know it's what they'd want and what you have to do, but sometimes you catch yourself thinking of your friends and wondering who'll be next. Ron or Hermione? Neville or Luna? Dean, Seamus, Padma, Lavender? How many will die today, and tomorrow, and the next day, and every day until Voldemort and all his followers are gone? How many will lose their lives, or the life of a mother, a father, a sister, a brother? You know that many have died, and that many more will die before it's all over. You try to grieve when you can and keep fighting, but sometimes you still wonder who'll be next, and sometimes you wonder if it's you.

You know that it will happen someday. You know that eventually, it will come down to just him and you, and that only one of you will walk away alive. "Either must die at the hand of the other." Kill or be killed. Be murdered or become the murderer. Would you rather be the man about to be shot, or the man about to do the shooting?

Sometimes, it all depends on who the other guy is.

You know you'll do it. It gives you chills just thinking about it, and you know that once it's done the nightmares will never leave you completely, but when you get out there and compare his life to the lives of everyone you love and everyone that loves you back, you know you'll do it.

You wish you didn't have to do it. You don't want to do it, you don't want to point your wand and say the words, you don't want to lose the last shred of innocence that you've been left with. But if there's one thing you've learned about war, it's that no one walks away innocent.

You've already lost so much. The parents you never knew, giving their lives so that you could keep yours. The godfather you only had a few years with, haunted by his memories of imprisonment. The old mentor whom you always looked up to and admired. And your dreams.

You used to have so many dreams. Of a world were no one expected you to be the hero, where you didn't have to save anyone or fight a great evil, where you could just be a normal person with a normal life who didn't face immense danger every day by just being alive. You used to allow yourself to think that maybe someday, everything would be over and you wouldn't have to deal with it anymore, you could just fade into the background and leave everyone with the legend.

Now you know better. You know that there are no true happy endings, that someone is always left sad and bitter and alone. You know that the evil will never truly be defeated, that there are always those who carry on the dark ways and are only waiting for another leader to rise from the ashes of the old one. You know that the horrors you have seen and will see will stay with you forever in nightmares and dreams. You know that the world you dreamed of long ago, a world filled with only light and happiness and love, will never be reality. There is always hurt, and anger, and darkness, lurking just out of reach of the light.

You know that you have to face cold hard reality now, and that you can't afford to lose yourself in long ago childhood dreams.

But sometimes, as you lie curled up under the covers with your eyes closed, listening to all the sounds around you, floating in that nowhere-place between reality and dreamworld...

Sometimes it's nice to pretend.

**0000000000**

(A/N: There you go! Typed up in 20 minutes, maybe a little less. I hope there aren't any mistakes, but Word Perfect's spell check sucks and I'm too lazy to go over it. I really do have tons of homework...I need to stop reading fanfiction as soon as I get home, it means that I don't start homework until around 5:30.

Anyway, please review! See that little bluish purpley button down there? Click it! You know you want to...just a five word review, longer if you have time! I thrive on your wonderful reviews! They are the only sustenance that keeps me writing!)


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